The ultimate cucumber experience now forms in my mind:

It's a late summer afternoon. My day has been spent in the endless but satisfying chores of weeding, pinching, and pruning in my vineyard. I lean back against the rough, welcoming bark of an ancient shade tree. A slow wind cools and dries the hard-earned beads of sweat on my brow. The din of weary "baah-ing" from my goats wafts across the meadow. Snapping off the bib of my overalls, I smile and think, "This will be my best wine ever." I pull a freshly-picked cucumber from a rumpled, brown bag and smell its verdant bouquet. My teeth rip into it and the skin tears, bursting open the calmest, palest green. Like a balm, a drop of the juice travels down my chin and traces a shining line down my neck. "Ahhhhh." The sun begins its swan song in the pink clouds as the single, clear, high-pitched note of the cucumber sings a cooling to my soul. I crunch the sparkling flesh. I relish the easy bite of the slippery seeds as I consume yet another glistening, wet chunk. The sun pauses at the horizon and gives me a big, grinning, cartoon wink, then, in a James Earl Jones-y voice says, "Well done, stout farmer. I showed you no mercy and you stood fast. Enjoy your cucumber."

I have no vineyard, I have no goats, and I've never had—or ever will own—a pair of bib overalls. I've never met James Earl Jones, and my animated sun is the highly unoriginal "Kellogg's Raisin Bran" version. But it's my fantasy and, regardless of how ridiculous I look, I'm dressed in a faded pair of overalls. For me, the scenario works.

I know what Freud would say about experiencing the cucumber, and I'm sure he's not alone. But my mind immediately travels to 'cool'—cool as a cucumber. That phrase has its origin in the theatre, by the way. The first act of a play from around 1615, "Cupid's Revenge", contains the line: "Young maids were as cold as cowcumbers." The expression is generally used to describe someone who has nerves of steel, who can remain calm in the midst of turmoil. Like me. Ask my plumber. I've consistently restrained myself from beating him with his own monkey wrench.

The meaning of the well-worn expression has splintered and evolved over the years, but few would argue against the soothing properties of the long, viridescently-clad fruit. For ages used as a skin treatment, cucumbers contain ascorbic acid (vitamin C) and caffeic acid. Both are known to reduce skin irritations and swelling. So, when your spa therapist presses those absurd green slices over your eyes, it's not just a worthless display of vegetable chic. Cucumbers can relieve sunburn, insect stings and bites. Plus, they contain silica—essential to muscles, ligaments, tendons and bones. Naturally hydrating, they're a perfect antidote to the blazing summer months.

I've read that the internal temperature of cucumbers in the field can be as much as 20 degrees cooler than the air. This flies in the face of conventional thermodynamics, but I can believe it. Who can deny that cucumbers are noticeably cool to the touch? And what about the Biblical story of Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego in the fiery furnace? Three men thrown into a blazing fire and they come out without so much as a singed knuckle hair? I'm not debating the possibility of supernatural intervention; but, certainly, cucumbers were involved. What kind of fire could burn a cucumber? I'm just saying that if Joan of Arc had tucked a few of those emerald beauties in her belt, things might have turned out differently.

I don't anticipate being burned at the stake but I'll definitely devour my share of cucumbers this summer. They're available year round; but from May to August is truly the best time to partake. There are several varieties common to farm stands and groceries. The English cucumber has smaller, less apparent seeds, and its flavor is milder than other kinds. Japanese cucumbers are similar to the English variety in that the seeds are small and soft and the skin is highly edible. Kirby cucumbers are generally used for pickling, but they're good for slicing and eating raw, too. There are also some less common types, including Armenian (snake cucumber), Mediterranean, Persian, and lemon cucumbers. But most of us will be buying the common—a.k.a. garden/market/regular/outdoor/field-grown cucumber.

It's always best to buy local, organic produce; but, in this case, the flavor differences between farm fresh and store-bought, between organic and non-organic are not huge. So, if you just can't find the absolute ideal, don't dismay. I, personally, have never tasted a bad cucumber. There are, however, a few things you should look for. Common, garden cucumbers should be firm, medium to dark green, and have smooth skin. Buy them fresh and unwaxed, if you can. Then, you won't be so inclined to peel off the nutrient-rich skin. Waxed cucumbers are shiny and the wax prevents evaporation, which isn't such a bad thing, but I just don't like the idea of it. Avoid cucumbers with soft spots, sunken areas, or wrinkled ends. Don't wash them until they're ready for use. Store in perforated plastic bags in the vegetable drawer of your refrigerator and they'll keep beautifully for a few days. After four or five days, the texture may become mushy and rubbery. Never store cucumbers with apples, pears, melons, bananas or tomatoes; they produce a gas that quickly rots cucumbers. Believe me, nothing is quite so disheartening as coming home to a rotten cucumber after a hard day in the vineyard.

After you've purchased the perfect cucumber, you can create an infinite number of bright, clean dishes. You'll quickly find more recipes than you'll ever need, with one Internet search. Below, I've listed my top four favorite, non-Freudian ways to enjoy a cucumber. I don't follow recipes, but I've listed approximate measurements. Use them as a guide and change proportions to your liking. Add fresh herbs and seasonings slowly and judiciously. Sample in between adjustments and just before serving, and you'll be fine.

Cucumber-Lemon Water

No amount of air conditioning, no Evian mist, no swimming pool can equal the delightful cooling effects of this shimmering, rejuvenating potion. Better than a run through the sprinkler, one sip will calm nerves, wash away heat and induce long, whispery, "ahs"

1 gallon of water
2 large cucumbers
2 large lemons

Peel the cucumbers, scoop out the seeds, and slice very thinly. Also, thinly slice the lemons. Mix everything together in a container and refrigerate for a couple of hours. If the flavor is too mild, you can squeeze the slices for a fuller taste. Use a potato masher if you don't want to use your hands. Just be careful that the lemon oils don't become strong and bitter. The cucumber should be at the forefront. Remove the cucumber and lemon slices before serving. Pour over lots of ice in a tall glass. Freeze any leftover in ice cube trays and use in a Bloody Mary or lemonade. Cucumber-Lemon Water will completely charm you.

Gazpacho

This is a spiky, exciting, refreshing soup, perfect on any hot afternoon. It's hard to mess this one up.

4 cups diced, seeded tomatoes. If available, use ripe, organic heirloom tomatoes.
2 cups diced, seeded cucumber. Peel the cucumber first, if it's waxed
1 cup diced, seeded bell pepper. I like yellow pepper in this—for the color.
1/2 cup diced purple onion
1 garlic clove
2 cups tomato juice
2 tsp. finely chopped basil
2 tsp. finely chopped tarragon
2 tsp. finely chopped cilantro
Juice of one lemon
Tabasco, salt and pepper to taste

Combine all the ingredients except the tomato juice and garlic; put those in a food processor or blender with half the combined ingredients. Puree until smooth. Combine all the ingredients and chill for about 2 hours. Check the flavor again and reseason, if necessary. Serve with crusty artisanal bread or croutons. If you really want to snob it up, stir fresh, minced tarragon in yogurt or sour cream and serve a dollop in the bowl of soup. There are enough variations on this recipe to last a lifetime, so go ahead and experiment! Gazpacho is so invigorating and succulent, I'd eat it out of Dick Cheney's hunting boot and be thrilled to my last spoonful.

3 large cucumbers, peeled, seeded and diced
1lb. cooked, peeled, and deveined shrimp. Use small shrimp or chopped large shrimp
1/2 cup mayonnaise or yogurt
2 tbsp. rice wine vinegar
1 tbsp. tamari or light soy sauce
1 tbsp. fresh grated ginger or 2 tbsp. minced pickled ginger
2 tbsp. toasted sesame seeds.
Wasabi and dark sesame oil to taste

Mix all the ingredients together and test for seasoning. Wasabi and sesame oil can quickly overpower a dish, so start small: a few drops of sesame oil and maybe 1/2 tsp. of wasabi until you're satisfied. Chill for half an hour before serving. Garnish with toasted sesame seeds. This would be nice served on a bed of cold, crisp greens. Crab or salmon would also be a good substitute for shrimp. Maybe serve a piece of grilled fish over the salad without the shrimp. Add cilantro, mint and chopped peanuts for a Thai accent. Asian Cucumber and Shrimp Salad has enough heft and character to stand alone as a meal, but this light, pastel treat will still leave you feeling revived and fulfilled.

Cucumber and Honeydew Soup

1 honeydew melon—peeled, seeded and cubed
3 large cucumbers—peeled, seeded and cubed
Juice of one half lemon
2 tsp. honey
About 10 mint leaves
2 large fresh basil leaves
1 dash of salt

Puree all the ingredients in a food processor or blender until smooth. Serve chilled as a first course or with a salad for lunch. This is a great recipe with which to play. Try different herbs; dill would be good, or add some yogurt. The mixture makes a delicious and unusual popsicle or granita.

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However you choose to experience your cucumbers, just remember to occasionally savor the simple unadorned slice. You might just cut your air conditioning bill in half.